By Lauren Lodder
When you become a mom, you quickly realize that the life you once had—i.e. when you weren’t a germaphobe and banked more than 5 hours of sleep—is gone. The adjustment period can be hard and is made harder by the fact that many of us end up playing hostess to a steady stream of visitors, everyone from family and friends to the mailman and the random elderly lady who lives 3 blocks away. (True Story!)
While we appreciate everyone’s interest in our offspring, truth be told what many of us really want is to build a moat around our homes and to be left effing alone. Of course, we can’t say that. (Damn you, social decency!) Here are 10 things new moms wish they could say to guests:
1. Stay for one hour tops and then hit the road, Jack!
2. Don’t pretend like you didn’t just pick your nose and scratch your butt. Wash your hands, ya filthy animal!
3. Lay off the perfume. I don’t want my baby smelling like she was twerking all night up at the club.
4. If you are a no-show, I will no show you my baby, EVER!
5. Wear your ugliest tracksuit and forget to put on makeup. K, prom queen?
6. Get your shots! If you give my kid whooping cough, I will whoop you to the end of the earth.
7. Take off your shoes or I will shoo you out the front door. (Yes, I’m talking to you, Carrie Bradshaw!)
8. Forget buying the baby bibs and blankets, momma needs some wine and sushi and step on it.
9. Keep your sick, contaminated body away from my baby, and I’m talking another zip code.
10. If you post a pic of me on Facebook, I will break your camera.
Thank you for your understanding. Don’t let the door hit ya on the way out!